emo-ing

i’m very emo now… i need to tell this to someone, or else i’ll be more emo!! What is emo actually!!! huh!!??? Uncontrolled Emotional?

I AM UNCONTROLLED NOW!!! but i cant shout out loud, and i dont know why am i so emotional. i don feel good now, i feel terrible and distorted now! I dont know why am i so emotional! i really dont know but my brain is damn messy now… i dont know whether i can talk to any one now. i am so not me!!

If i’m not at home, i’ll already do crazy things! suddenly i feel like jumping in the car and speed to 90 on the curvy road! maybe it will release what i feel now… everything messed up in me, i dont know what to think, what to do.

i want to cry… T.T
maybe it will help. but i someone see this, it will be very hard to explain and granny will be worry!!

In front of granny, i’m tired. i cant do anything that can make her worry. I cant cough infront her, i cant bleed infront of her, i hv to lie that my car is safe and nothing happen to my car when i drive it, i cant look depressed so, for sure i cant cry infront of her. i’m tired of hiding things and only tell the good ones… i’m wondering already, how my dad did this!

since i’m the eldest. i’m taught that i should not cry when i fall down, i have to wake up myself after i fall, then take the medicine box and put the medicine myself. I have to be independence, i have to take care of the young ones, i should help to save money, so i learnt to forget. Forget what i like, learn to hate things that i love so much, and learnt to lie.

i love sweets when i’m little, but i learn to hate it at the same time. Mommy told people that her daughter don’t like sweet and she seems to be proud of it. So i started telling people that i don’t like sweets at all, i refuse all the sweets that was given by the adults, even i’m mouth-watering when i saw it. As time passed, i never touch sweet any more, i wont feel like eating it anymore and i’m immune to it already. i learnt to hate sweets.

Then after that i know how i can distracted from a feeling of like to become something i don’t like. i feel like i’m faking of my life, but at the same time i’m feeling that i’m that 1 that control my life, since i can control all the lust of mine since i’m young…. i’m cool isn’t it? (^_^)

Until someone told me something that i never hear before, he say: Since you like already, why still want to think so much!? this is something that i heard for the 1st time… people always tell me to think twice what i do, all the cause and effect. Although this sounds more matured when i think more, but what he says knock me awake! i’m thinking “ya, why should i think so much since i’m just a kid and now i’m just a teenager, my mistake is forgiveable, maybe i can think more matured when i grow up?” So, now i’m trying to let most of my feeling to flow as it like. Do whatever it strikes my mind. But is it correct? is it ok for my future when i did all this? i start to become emo again…. argh!!!

or can say, i’m emo because i’m missing the fellow the told me all that ‘nonsence’ >.<